Rest is not there and not so.

Written: 19 may 2008
Travel time: 20 — 27 may 2008
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In yellow hot Africa, in its central part,
Somehow, off schedule. . .
V. Vysotsky

Tunisia... How much in this word... The ticket was purchased already at the end of March, check-in from May 1 to May 11, El Muradi Djerba Menzel hotel, 4-star level, all inclusive (it was studied on the Internet in advance and was specifically thirsty there, because 33 hectares green territory, five swimming pools, three restaurants and six bars, plus the opportunity to live in a local bungalow inspired utterly), and the local Tver travel agency guarantees both the flight and the hotel, the documents are signed - let's go (". . . the old woman and the daughter said, we're going away from here immediately! " - in the sense of us there were two, however, heterosexual, and not related). The road "Tver-Moscow" is as easy as shelling pears, Vnukovo meets with bustle and coolness, already from the street you can hear that someone's flight is delayed... -izz! Citizens, you are not going to the El Muradi Djerba Menzel Hotel, but to Castile, weren't they told you?
- We - no, but why so suddenly?
- Duc, fir-pals, on Djerba now there is a gathering of Orthodox (or paradoxical? ) Jews, and there is a synagogue there, in which fragments of the real Torah are stored, and the above-mentioned Jews arrange a rally (Congress? Conference? Session? ), Filling the surrounding hotels, and we, Russians, have to be content with little... However, there is no need to worry, the hotel is simply wonderful, everything is of the highest standard, and is located next to where you wanted...
- Well, you, damn it, give...
And in anticipation of the bad, we still wander towards the check-baggage-passport prospects. Everything is traditional here - the Tu204 of the KavMinVody company is filled by passing through one baggage drop-off window for all passengers, five planes wishing to fly away push their bodies into three frames of metal detectors, socks for inspection, a pack of cigarettes causes the detector to ring along with an anti-tank gun, incredulity and unsociableness of passport control (and all of a sudden I didn't pay my taxes??? ) and duty-frity-nate. There is absolutely nowhere to smoke, so they smoke in all toilets and other nooks and crannies of intermediate foreign countries. The taxiing of the domestic old man Tupolev takes much more time than the masses expected, but by 9.30 (instead of 8.30) the landing gear in the last convulsion says goodbye to the concrete of the Motherland... In flight, we were offered all the same, emergency exits were in the same place, and no one used life jackets either before us. Put on the mask first on yourself, then look for the child.
Four hours and twenty minutes of half-asleep piercing through the air spaces of Ukraine, Slovenia, Hungary and Italy are pretty tiring, and even cheerfully having fun consumers of duty-free alcohol have time to calm down peacefully in Carcasses' anti-ergonomic chairs. Get off, citizens, we've arrived, the end - we're in Africa. Djerba Island, final, please vacate the salon.

The awareness of our own greatness is immediately shocking - in the huge hall (and, in fact, the complex) of arrival, we are alone... Lazy silence, silent air conditioners, silent customs, busily and smilingly stamping (for nothing! ) Passports of Russians... Attentive and friendly welcoming party "Calypso Tour ”, a very prompt boarding of buses....Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the pearl of the Mediterranean, the island of Djerba.
The newly appeared Robinsons, grouped into two large and three small buses, go to hotels. The gaiety of the situation that started in Vnukovo is growing - four of our comrades find out about the replacement of the hotel only now... Two more were asked not to go to the hotel, which, as it were, was confirmed, but as if not ready to accept them... Behind bewildered exclamations and unambiguous comments about the Helis Tour , and, for the company, and Clypso-Tour, half an hour passes imperceptibly, several lucky people leave our bus, having nevertheless gone to the hotel that was intended for them. The rest in the ensuing silence go on...
Another five minutes - and the majestic front door of the Castile Hotel opens its non-automatic doors to us. Bonjour, madam and monsieur (and not vylkam and not wilcommen, they speak French here, in kraynyak - Italian bongiorno, Slavs), fill out the cards, and let the guide help you. Gidessa Yaroslava from Astrakhan explains to her compatriots that they need to enter the first name, last name and date of arrival, the rest no one reads or understands. A meeting of deceived investors in the Russian-Tunisian tourist business is spontaneously appointed. The operational team of personnel is diligently dressing the arrivals, as the dinner is already nearing completion. Since our Slavochka avoids further explanations, referring to being busy and promising to say everything at the meeting, the people, for lack of other prospects, begin to disperse to numbers. And the rooms turn out to be somewhat less attractive than expected, quite decent in size, but at the same time with built-in furniture from the late 60s, white paint on wood, two wardrobes for clothes, an unmeasured bed - again with white wooden legs withered... Oh, and where is the refrigerator? And where is the TV remote control (does not work with the buttons)? And where is at least one bedside table dear to the heart? A separate bathroom does not please for long - there is no soundproofing with neighbors and with a corridor, finally, the noise of Niagara is available to the entire population of the hotel. Without unpacking the contents of the luggage according to the number (hope for resettlement is still glimmering), we set off for lunch. The first positive impression is that the staff is polite and prudent, the cuisine is utterly abundant and quite Europeanized, at least tends to Franco-Italian motives.
Satisfied Russians begin to inspect the territory they have inherited - and it’s good that on a full stomach, because the hotel’s land holdings turn out to be limited by the width of its main and only building, and the distance to the sea of ​ ​.500-600 meters did not at all contribute to enthusiasm. Replacing 33 hectares with 1.5, 5 pools with 2, an indoor beach bar... Access to the sea put the last point - a blockage of algae a meter high and three meters wide along the entire length of the foreseeable coast plunged even incorrigible optimists into despondency... In connection with the above, the first and the only question on the agenda of our meeting, which quickly became a rally, was "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!? ". However, after waiting for the end of the outburst of emotions, after listening to the profanity from the mouths of the citizens of our great power, Gidesse Yaroslava calmly said that the questions asked were beyond her competence, the host side brought us to the hotel that the sending side had ordered, and all the enthusiasm and wishes for a long years of life, we should send to the address of the central office of "Helis-Tour" in Moscow, RF. Negotiations on a mobile phone with the head of "Calypso" in Tunisia had the same result, and, having shouted enough to each other about their dissatisfaction, Russo tourists began to desperately get in touch with the capital of our Motherland, forgetting that the Center was successfully resting from the works of the righteous as the 1st , and on May 2nd and 3rd, and wishes the same to both Eustace and Alex. The next flurry of calls overtook the friends and relatives of our team, and those were called to certainly arrange a large-scale terrorist act in the Helis Tour, a rally on Red Square and a march of red, blue and green out of anger along the Moscow Ring Road. The amount spent by fellow citizens in the course of mobile-international negotiations could buy a hotel nearby, but who counts the money when it comes to justice and national pride?

Having found out for themselves the answer to the first of the traditional Russian questions, the abandoned comrades and gentlemen set about solving the second. And this turned out to be simple - you need to rest, and in such a way that every head hurts excruciatingly tomorrow morning. The bar quite eloquently disposed to build up alcohol in the blood, and soon the stress slipped to “no”, and the hotel staff was filled with respect for the Russians, who, in fact, not only drink everything that burns, but also quickly become imbued with feelings like “Freedom, Equality , Brotherhood" to people of all nationalities and races, while losing any language barriers. The only bewilderment and even fear was caused by statements that “it’s not Mans pa sis zhur”, after which rare dumb or English-speaking natives began to ask individual Russians who also speak the same way, is this true? Later, the joke was preserved for visiting a restaurant, but indicating one day of fasting. Life got better.
The second day of our stay in Castilla was marked only by separate squabbles between some legally savvy comrades and a guide, persistent calls for the hotel administration to establish at least one Russian TV channel, an unpleasant discovery of the rules for using beach towels (deposit 10 dinars for each, plus a dinar per day fee for using ), which, however, was avoided by purchasing in the nearest shop towels for 12 dinars apiece, of high quality and much larger than hotel ones.
Immediately about money - 1.13 dinars per dollar, 1.85 per euro. On average, the same Turkish lira, for simplicity, they counted 20 rubles per dinar.
Then it's time to marvel at the incredible prices of the local tourist flavor. And the surprise was both negative and positive. For example, renting a bike for 15 dinars a day, or a scooter for 40 dinars was simply stunned, and the prices of local taxis (0.5 dinars per km, strictly according to the meter) pleasantly pleased. The Russians did not escape the temptation to embark on local excursions such as "Fairy Island with flamingo viewing, pirate dancing and swimming in the open sea", where the flamingos, of course, flew away earlier, the pirates offered to join them by buying bandanas and T-shirts with skulls, and only transparency and The temperature of the water near the wild islet delighted Rousseau tourists. Everything was simple with the rest of the sights in Djerba - you divide the description on the Internet or the guide by ten, that is, if the colorful and mysterious caves mean a hole in the rocky ground and 30 cubic meters of emptiness and dust, if a unique synagogue, then they, synagogues, and in other places are far from masterpieces of architecture and interior, and they didn’t stand next to our temples : -))). The castle in the local administrative center makes an incomprehensible impression - who and how could defend themselves in it for more than an hour? After Istanbul, the Kremlin and monasteries of our Golden Ring, Izborsk and Petropavlovka…

The time has come for individual relaxation and entertainment, everything turned out to be as it should be - jet skis, parachutes, boats, buying souvenirs in the nearby (3 dinars by taxi) village of Medun - and here the Russians have been! The reaction of sellers of everything, from a nail to a diamond, is unequivocal - “they are all looking, they are not buying anything! ”, But for us - what is there to buy here? T-shirts from Dolce and Gabbana with camels, blouses from Dior with the inscription "Djerba" or "Tunisia" on the chest, "old Berber" technical silver... True, the bidding process was sometimes fascinating - unlike Turkey and Egypt, the starting price and the purchase price could diverge by an order of magnitude and a half. Even in fixed price stores, it was quite possible to throw off at least 15%...
The next morning, we return the car to smiling black distributors, having previously topped up the tank with the original amount of gasoline. It took only 40 liters, and the whole trip thus cost 150 dinars, including a visit to the amphitheater for 7 dinars each, fruit and dinner at a roadside cafe in one of the villages.
Further rest takes place in a mattress-lazy state, there is nothing more to see nearby.
Some diversity, of course, did take place - the search for the best places for swimming, since although "our" beach was cleared of algae, some kind of turbidity in the water and small stones at the bottom did not contribute to enthusiasm at all. Research led to the discovery of an excellent beach next to the exact hotel that Russo tourists originally intended to come to. The hotel "El Muradi" itself was also examined, recognized as charming, and at the reception received information about the abundance of free places - ay, Helis-Tour, this is no longer called "force majeure" but "scam" !!!!

A wonderful lagoon was also found, shallow for active swimming, but very suitable for sunbathing, flowing from the “lying in the water” position to the “lying on the sand” position. Those who wish to ride camels - by the way, they just live here, it seems that by the beginning of the tourist season, local resourceful guys catch a couple of dozen, saddle them - and rent them! ATVs were also provided to everyone, along with buggies and horses - exotic traditional for the resorts of the Mediterranean and Red Seas. Zago - and burned, tired, but happy, children, having spent 11 days in northern Africa, were going home. The host side gave the bus unexpectedly early - at 10.00, taking into account the departure at 13.30 and a 25-minute drive to the airport, even with a check-in for brothers in another hotel, but we are disciplined people... As a result, an hour for registration and border, an hour and a half of sitting in the zone departure and guess what? The flight was delayed for another 2 hours. Duty free drinks went with a bang…
At 11 pm Moscow time, our sung company warmly said goodbye at the Vnukovo airport, just in time to be late for all the minibuses...
Conclusions:
1. Helis-Tour is a completely pig company, they poop on tourists, and your choice of hotel does not play any role at all, they will send you where it is more convenient and profitable for them.
2. In general, Tunisia is a pleasant country for recreation, poor and dirty, monotonous in landscapes, the level of hotels is approximately similar to Egypt, but tends to Turkey, however, the general goodwill and level of service more than compensate for all the shortcomings.
3. The island of Djerba is a separate song, not mastered by compatriots during the period of general "bulling", and, accordingly, not having a negative attitude towards Russians, this doubles the pleasant impressions from communicating with all representatives of rentals, tour agencies and souvenir shops.
4. And in terms of nutrition - people, in 10 days we were fed up with cuisines and ultra-fives in Turkey, I don’t even talk about Egypt, right there everything is absolutely delicious and very diverse, in a European way with the flavor of the Maghreb.
5. The weather is a matter of chance, in this case we were not very lucky, from 20 degrees with a squally wind and a storm, to 25-27 with calm and cloudless skies. The fluctuations are unexpected, the water temperature, however, the sea around 21-22 warm degrees "invigorated".
6. Many people are interested in SPA and thalassotherapy. On Djerba they are NOT!

Sergey, Tver. Tunisia from May 1 to May 11.2008, who went to El Muradi Menzel, and got (! ) In Castile
Translated automatically from Russian. View original